My Unintentional Revisit
by Mazed Life
In 2007, twin bombings happened in Hyderabad, Telangana, India. As my grandma watched the TV news, they showed fire, people running, and reporters reporting about the deaths.
I ran to the door to see if my mom was coming home, because it's her routine time to return home. Then I heard my grandma calling Mom and asking where she was. She is safe and on the way.
‘Fear’.
Until then, I was only afraid of my mom's anger. On that day, I was afraid for her. A day when my fear was not for me.
Not for beating. Not for getting caught. Not for ghosts.
Every day fears are not fears at all. Now the fear I felt is terror. Which is intense in nature. Knowing fear seems simple because the usage rate of that word is more than average. But feeling it is something else entirely. As a kid, it marked its place.
Even today, I feel fear. But not that same one; less intense but never erased or buried.
Now, as an adult, whenever I hear those places' names, time slows down, and the noise around me turns into a news report. Within a second, I revisit the whole evening of that day. I don’t remember anything from that moment, but I can never forget that self of mine.
The self which faces actual fear for the first time.
The kid never grew.
Never stopped running to the door.
***
Racha Likitha is a writer and essayist who believes some truths are only visible when you stop explaining them. Writing under the pen name Mazed Life, she explores the quiet weight of ordinary moments through poetry, philosophical essays, and short-form observations. She is based in Hyderabad, India, and "My Unintentional Revisit" is her first published essay.
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