Reflection

by Heath Chen

Image credit: jasper benning on Unsplash

“Maybe I could get a curtain or something to cover it,” I mused over dinner towards the beginning of the semester.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” my friend Noah said in that matter-of-fact tone he likes to use whenever he thinks I’m saying something absurd.

My dorm room comes with one full-length mirror on the closet door. This means that I catch sight of my reflection more times than I’d like to, such as right now.

Through the pane of glass, a girl stares back at me with her dark brown eyes. Her long, black hair is tied into a neat ponytail behind her.

I don’t like to look in the mirror. Some problems are easier to handle when you avoid anything that can give them any presence in your life.

I quickly look away, and resume picking up the paper clips I dropped on the floor. Even with my eyes trained on the silver littered on the ground, I can still see her image in my mind. 

We share the same hair, the same eyes, the same flaking skin. We share the same voice, the same childhood, and the same personality. We share the pain in our right knees whenever we go up the stairs. We share the ache in our ribs from wearing our chest binders for too long.

What do other people see when they look at me? Do they see her? Or do they see me? I try not to think about it. Every misspoken she and her gives me my answer, anyways.

I am afraid that I will never stop seeing her. That I will start testosterone, get top surgery, cut my hair, replace my entire wardrobe, and still see her. Will I spend my entire life haunted by the image of a girl that stopped existing years ago?

One day, I hope that I can look in the mirror, straight into my own eyes, not hers. I hope that I can take her into my arms and gently lay her to rest outside of the glass.

But for today, I finish picking up my paper clips, and leave her behind once again, trapped within the glass.

***

Heath Chen

Heath Chen is a Taiwanese-American trans man and a senior in Creative Writing. He aspires to weave his life experiences regarding abuse, mental health, and gender dysphoria into his writing to let others who are struggling with the same know that they aren’t alone.