Emotions I Have Not Outgrown as a Black Man

by Thomas Beckwith

Iage credit: William Rouse on Unsplash

One day I woke up as a scrawny teenage boy with acne going through puberty, 

and the next day I was suddenly the man of the house.

I was forced to be an adult, way before I ever needed those responsibilities.

I contemplated dropping out of school when I turned sixteen—

I was not only a big brother, but now a father figure.

A role I shouldn’t have been playing because I couldn’t even legally drink or drive.

I felt betrayed by the world as a Black teenage boy.

I learned that people would avoid, abandon, and alienate a person,

                                                even if they’re blood relations.

Pain came at the expense of my own mental capacity.

With experiencing loss at a young age,

 trauma naturally pulsates through my veins.

Negative thoughts constantly flow through my brain—

Speak up or forever hold my peace

to survive another day, this remains a lingering question.

Do I get in the elevator with her, or should I just take the stairs?

Will they arrest me because I am driving while black?

Should I help this person who might be my demise?

Why should I trust them? When it’s been said

“I would rather see him in prison or dead.”

These are words that leave scars and trauma.

I can’t shake the memories of Eric Garner and George Floyd saying

“I can’t breathe.”

I fight for freedom every day, not just oxygen.

The world betrays me like Judas,

often characterizing me as an uneducated Black man

It’s the looks and words; there is a weird energy around being a Black man.

I deserve to use my voice, but then there are labels:  

angry, abrasive, and aggressive, in broken systems

that are automatically applied to me.

I am always in search of something

because I have been told I do deserve the worldly items

(new shoes and clothes) that makes me happy.

The world betrays me like Judas.

This is why trauma pulsates through my veins.

I can’t just think happy thoughts when I know

there are people praying for my demise,

and would rather see me dead than watch me thrive.

Even with being able to watch the sunrise

each day, negative thoughts still

flow through my brain.

It’s the expense I pay as a Black man.

The world is Judas, and I fight for freedom

every day not just oxygen.

***

Thomas Beckwith

Thomas Beckwith is an Assistant Director for the University of Florida’s Office of Academic Support, where he provides support to students including academic coaching, leadership development, and holistic success planning. He also enjoys writing in his authentic voice, finding it to be a therapeutic way to process experiences and overcome past trauma.