The Dancing Girl

by Mariam Girgis

Image credit: Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash

They tell me to write about the queer experience. 

A bisexual girl in Egypt— 

surely, I must have a lot to say.

The truth is: no. Not really.

 I never thought much about my sexuality.

 I never thought much about anyone’s.

When I was a teenager, I learned— 

for the first time— 

that a girl could love a girl, 

or a boy a boy.

 My first reaction? Ew. Disgusting.

 My parents applauded.

 They said it meant I was a good believer.

 So, I tucked the thought away for years.

Then I moved to Cairo for university. 

I left behind garbage-filled streets, 

men who catcalled,

 and voices insisting that because I was a girl, 

I must secretly crave their attention.

I could swear I didn’t. 

Deep down, I knew I hated it— 

their gaze pressing down on me, 

stripping me into nothing but a thing. 

And yet, when every adult in your life, 

every authority you look up to, 

insists you must enjoy it 

because it’s your nature as a girl— 

how can you not believe them?

And so, I spent years 

hating the body I was born into, 

hating myself for being a girl, 

hating every girl. 

Doing everything I could 

to make sure I was nothing like them.

At university, I finally had space 

to quietly question all of it.

 And I found myself breaking down— 

over and over again.

I made my first queer friend.

 They asked me plainly.

 I swore I was straight. 

 Sure, some girls were beautiful— 

 but wasn’t that just because beauty is beauty?

Then I met a girl.

 A girl whose words were cartoonish in their exaggeration, 

 whose passion spilled through her eyes 

 when she spoke, when she danced, when she sang.

  A girl who gave without hesitation.

And I wanted to kiss her.

 Was that so bad?

When I looked at the dancing girl, I knew.

 I didn’t care about labels.

 I just wanted to kiss her.

Does that make me gay?

Or just human?

Does it matter—

when the wanting felt so real?

***

Mariam Girgis

Mariam Girgis is a Coptic writer studying Comparative Literature at the American University in Cairo, with minors in History and Mathematics. She is currently spending an exchange semester at Bard College in upstate New York. Originally from a factory town in Egypt, her writing explores the intricacies of collective memory and generational trauma.